I am

so desperate to get out of my current situation or be able to influence it in any way that a huge lottery win does seem like the only answer and I feel (probably in a pathological i-hear-voices kind of way) like it might really happen.
Which is bonkers.
And the pink bits of paper agree with the bonkers.

Not even a TENNER.

Although it could just be that i'm already having my luck and I'm just to dumb to realise

SFW or A Grief Observed in the Noughties

There's a few things on my mind tonight, not least my landlord and the apparent rent increase that's coming my way. Colour me totally unkeen and rather brassed off.

I went for a short run earlier. That was good, only because I don't do it often enough, I feel heavy legged, like I ran for ages. But still. From little acorns eh?

And finally, I'm going write about my pre-grief and grief with some running stuff mixed in a quite a lot of music i shouldn't wonder, in an update of CS Lewis' A Grief Observed sort of thing (I imagine, never having read the original but having ordered it online today).
THis will be a release, get me into the solid practice of creation and hopefully be a useful sieve.

And I was going boxing tomorrow but now I'm going down the boozer with my old housemate and going boxing on Thursday instead. Yipee. I can't wait.
By Thursday, I totally guarantee i will want to hit something multiple times, very HARD indeed.

Peace out folks
x

The heart wants what it wants

Like this for instance.

And one or two other red headed freckley guys. But NOT all of them.

And this dude, and his Biffy co-horts, who have got me through some times this year and probably have more work to do yet.

oo new single tonight on Zane Lowe show boys. Exciting

But the other thing that i'd like is another language.

Yes, I'm finally so perverse that the problems of effectively communicating with a man in my own language are insufficient. I'd like to do it all in a different one please.

i'd like to grasp for words and hide my point under mispronunciation.

And I'd like to marvel at olive-y skin, being that i'm so pasty white.

Shallow, isn't it.

Ah well.

While I'm being shallow, here's Jensen.

He's American so it's almost a different language.

And Texan so he'll look excellent in jeans

Maybe he speaks Spanish....

Because you're mine

I walk the line

wait a minute

what was I thinking?

I don't walk no line....

25 songs....

the top 25 songs you cannot live without.
The ones you can listen over and over and never get tired of.
They don't have to be in any particular order.

1. Monkey Wrench - Foo Fighters
2. The Gentle Art of Making Enemies - Faith No More
3. Killing in the Name of - Rage Against the Machine
4. Been Caught Stealin' - Jane's Addiction
5. Touch me I'm Sick - Mudhoney
6. Repeat - Manic Street Preachers
7. Why'd Ya Come in Here Looking Like That? - Dolly Parton
8. Sad Eyes - Bruce Springsteen
9. Both Hands - Ani di Franco
10. Closer to Fine - Indigo Girls
11. How Do you Keep love alive - Ryan Adams
12. Four Kicks - Kings of Leon
13. Laid - James
14. Debaser - Pixies
15. Walk the Line - Johnny Cash
16. Molly's Lips - The Vaselines
17. Time after Time - Cyndi Lauper
18. Cherish - Madonna
19. Bullet with Butterfly Wings - Smashing Pumpkins
20. Son of a Preacher Man - Dusty Springfield
21. Flickering Light - Christy Moore
22. Oh Very Young - Cat Stevens
23. Moving on Up - Primal Scream
24. One Way - Levellers
25. America - Razorlight

Don't be a stranger to yourself

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Have you missed me?
I've been a bit of a grumpypotamus so i didn't sign in
And I've been reading other folk, so I didn't sign in
And i've been blogging specifically for someone else, to their subject, so I didn't sign in.

But i'm back now

I've also just finished reading the Return by Victoria Hislop so I'd like to to learn to flamenco now and also I now know that my knowledge of events in Europe during the 20th century is totally pants. I knew there was a civil war in Spain but not really any of the ins and outs and even now I've barely scratched the service. Weirdly, I also bought Guernica a couple of weeks ago.
I must check and see if the white cube gallery here still has the tapestry on view.

Peace out folks
x

ah life

...make them twitch around their eyes
make them apologize...


Wouldn't it be nice if it were that easy?

Gentlemen who advance denim's cause - let's list a few. Just for FUN

As I sit half watching CSI Miami, my eye alights on John Schneider. Thus I was inspired to bring you a few men who have advanced denim's cause.


So let's start with Beau Duke.
When that good old boy swang his rather fine ass through the window of the General Lee, it wasn't just welded up front doors that were on this girl's mind.
He defined lovely before I knew what it was.











Even with Farrah hair.










One day, young ladies, you will be watching trash TV and discover that Clark Kent's DAD is the object of your daydreams.
STILL GOT IT.












Tommy used to work on the docks, you know
Jon once popped through the floor of the auditorium in jeans so tight he must have been sown into them seconds earlier. He then flew and there were fireworks. I was 12.
Frankly I've never looked back.
And once again, Jon's allure is growing with age.


J names continued:

Jensen must sleep in Tupaware as he doesn't seem to have aged a day since I first clapped eyes on him.

I am v. partial to the Dean Winchester version.

Although the real life version gives good quotations:

'Being from Texas, I favour jeans and boots'.

I may have to RELOCATE to Texas post-haste. Bring on the jeans and boots please.


And may I just say

Thelma and Louise knew what they were doing, even if he was a little light fingered.

Also Brad:

I like your wife

(Ms Jolie isn't a film quotation)

Time

is the leveller I suppose.
In time, everything will assume it's proper proportions.

there isn't any vengeance to be had. No righteous anger.
Just this wacky I can't breathe feeling.
this invisible elephant sitting on my chest.
Perhaps it's actually the burlesque girl from the other week, going the whole hog and standing on me.
which goes so nicely with an absence of words from people I thought would dig something out.

That said, my cup still runneth over.

Bullet with Butterfly Wings - Pumpkins

Despite all my rage
Im still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say
what is lost can never be saved

Despite all my rage
Im still just a rat in a cage
And I still believe that I cannot be saved


Praise be for the guitars that get me through the day

The world is a vampire, sent to drain...

This was going to be a post about how I rediscovered my fondness for the Smashing Pumpkins, noiseniks that they are through the song Bullet with Butterfly Wings but now it's going to be a quick trawl through some of my bestest vampires!

I'm sure you'll know them all well.

So

A is (the most obvious choice ever) ANGEL

He's an oldy but a goody with the whole 'one moment of true evil and his soul flies out the window' dichotomy. I would have liked Angelus more if we'd seen more of extreme nastiness, like with Willow's fish. Anyone who wasn't a mad Buffy afficianardo is now bleeding from the eyes, not a puncture wound, so I'll continue.

B is Blade, bien sur. The Day Walker.

Although I did like some of the bad guys in the series, I'm sticking with Wesley

coz some motherf**ckers always trying to ice skate up hill

Both of our candidates above have bent the rules of the vampirism more than exceedingly.

Dracula is so the man.

I liked him in Gary Oldman guise because he cried oceans of tears for Mina.

But really I love vampires because of a lot of family holidays in Whitby, scurrying around the abbey and walking down the steps from the car pack, which were lined with metal. It rained alot and the rusty water became 'Blood, dripping down the steps' from the grave yard. Ah children, they're very blood thirsty beasts, ya know.

I have to sneak Deacon Frost in there too. Because Steven Dorff is a pocket rocket of mine of old and he makes a white shirt look wicked smart in Blade. He's also got the right blend of cocksure and idiot. Shame he proves so easy to kill really

This is Edward Cullen. He's not my idea of Edward Cullen but there is something quite nice about him.

When I first heard that Cedric Diggory from Harry Potter had been cast as the century old 17 year old vamp from Twighlight, I was most unhappy.

But the posters grew on me.

That said I'm a bit weird about Edward and Bella and I've not read past book 2 in case she goes off with the werewolf (SHHHHH don't tell me, I don't want to know for sure!)

The Hunger - move over boys, there's nothing quite like a good old lady vamp and Deneuvre is hard to beat.

I too would sink my teeth into Susan Sarandon given half a chance, not to mention David Bowie.

This was a defining one for my poor teenage heart:

'You're a creature of the night Michael'

The Lost Boys, the open chords twang twang twang twang... people are strange

and a wee peak at the Boys themselves, like a ketchup covered Motley Crue on a slow nite

Back to the small screen.

Let not the fact that the series Moonlight is patchy deter you from a litte Mick St John appreciation of an evening ladies. It's very anodine, til he fangs up.

And to close, it's Spike. you could open letters with his cheek bones

'You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love 'til it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other 'til it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Real love isn't brains, children. It's blood. It's blood screaming inside you to work its will.'

And here's Kate. She's Van Helsing-ed and Underworld-ed and makes many a person want to reach for the polish.

So folks, who would you bite? Eternity is a long time....

The lay out on this keeps going la la and spanning them across the page. Sorry

I'd like to thank my underwear

for all the support it's given me....

But seriously, I think i'm getting one of these shiny gold ones.

Because I'm going off my rocker here and no one seems to have noticed, which must mean that I'm the best actress ever in the history of the world.

Move OVER Winslett, HerMaj is coming (and has better nipples too, naturally).

My much discussed father is on the fade. I'd like to rage against the dying of the light but I can't quite bring myself to consider it in any greater depth than I have so far because it makes my whole body hurt. Let's not even touch on how my psyche screams.

Dogs on Russian space stations must be able to hear it.

If there is someone out there, they will hear my rising distress and steer well clear of this entire planet.

I don't know what to do.

I suppose I'm supposed to brave and strong, after all, I'm the one of us to survive.

But really i'd quite like to smash things and be held by stable strong arms while I rant and rave and be pampered and spoiled and then wake up and find I just dreamed it all anyway.

Fortunately for me, you could walk around my office trailing a bloody limb and make no impact so my disintegration is unnoticed .

When I passed comment on Dad collapsing earlier today, my boss reached passed me for a tea spoon and went back into his office.

Such support. Really. Thank you. Your kind words help me make it through the day. NO, not you, dear reader.

And so I got on with what I was doing, inspite of the elephant sat on my chest and the sombrero headache wedged above my eyebrows.

I realise coping is what we're supposed to do. We're designed to do it.

But I'd rather go first. (please note, i'm not suicidal, this is just a statement of fact)

It's the ultimate in having the last word on the subject.

I must just take a moment before I blog splat to say

Come on BARCELONA!

As you can see, I'm the most patriotic person ever.