outofmytinymind

A little bit of Derfwad

2012-01-19T20:38:00.002Z

Thanks for this Mrs GGGGGGGGGGGG

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
I went to (are you ready)
Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, Thailand, Singapore, Australia, New Zealand, Chile, Argentina, Uruguay, Paraguay and Brazil

2. Did anyone close to you give birth? 
My lovely mate had a baby boy

3. Did anyone close to you die?
Not this year, for a nice change

4. What countries did you visit?
See Q1

5. What was your favorite TV program?
I didn't see much TV this year coz I was away but it probably the Aussie Masterchef

6. What were your favorite films of the year?
I liked Rango

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year? 
I went away. And a managed to come back . I realised how much weight I'd gained and how being unhealthy was negatively effecting what I was able to do on my wonder trip (although interestingly one thing it didn't effect was my ability to go home with a complete hottie), so I got it together and ditched a couple of stone by Christmas.

8. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Sky diving, because i was too heavy. Writing, because I spent the first 7 months of last year thinking, reflecting, absorbing and chatting up a storm.

9. What was the best thing you bought?
I-pod touch - greatest travel gadget ever.

10. Where did most of your money go?
Travel travel travel, food, beverages, gifts and posting them home

11. What did you get really excited about?
Seeing Bag End and the other hobbit holes, Stephen's birthday, Vietnamese new year

12. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Pink - Raise Your Glass

17. Best restaurant meal of the year?
La Gran Parilla, in San Telmo

18. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Eating rubbish - turn out it takes month to work that off!

19. What is one valuable lesson you learned in 2011?
How every far away, you will always love them and they will always love you, but no one's life will stop.

20. Who did you most tire hearing about in 2011?
Nothing really. But i'm sorta over the Olympics already (not interms of sporting endeavour, just the endless banging on about it and speculation. Bring on the opening fire works).

Derfwad - siempre en mi corazon

2011-07-11T16:50:00.003+01:00

Well, it's been a while, eh?
I've racked up thousands of miles and 3 or 4 continents. More on that later.

In the mean time, a post for Derfwad (http://derfwadmanor.squarespace.com)

1) I don't have a kitchen floor at present, i'm technically homeless. I did just squeedggeeee the shower room floor in the hostel that I'm staying in, in Buenos Aires, if that counts. Largely so that I could dry myself on a dry floor, so not at all altruistic behaviour.
When i did have a tiny kitchen in merry old London, I mopped the floor at least once a year.
I would hoover it once a week, sweep it daily and go over it with antiseptic wipes whenever anything scarily splattery got on it, but the mop didn't put in more than a cursory appearance.

2) No, I have never been in a physical fight. Being quite tall since I was young, various people offered me out (as we say round my way in merry old Nottinghamshire, England) but my utter apparent willingness to take them on left me broadly fight free. That and I could make them laugh instead. I'm a lover, Mrs G, not a fighter. Or some such.

3) I have given this a lot of thought, as I have one of the most classic run of the mill first names ever and as a teen I constantly wanted to change it for something more glamorous. But could never come up with something better. And now I'm sort of used to it. But if I ever take up with someone with a terribly dramatic long surname (Norwegian patronimic or multiple surnamed Latino) I might ditch my Christian name and have my surname for my first name, if you get me. Then my actual name can become a family secret amongst the beloved. (wow. I'm proper crazy)

4) Again, no house... In my old flat, I liked the living room coz it was bright and airy, my rocking chair was in there and it was cool to sit on the wide stone window cill and dangle my legs out as I gazed down the long garden. Basically i like any good spots for reading in a patch of sunshine. I'm like a literary cat.

5) I've covered this in some old posts on this very blog - 'I look like that hooker off telly' - one Billie Piper, who plays Belle in Secret Diary of a Call Girl, and Rose on Doctor Who
for more info see:
http://outofmytinymind.blogspot.com/2008/08/rose-tyler-one-of-my-many-alter-egos.html

6) The Changling with Ange Jolie, in the middle of the night in Rio the other day, when we tuned in part way through, only to become gripped and then by some weird quirk of programming, they showed the exact same film back to back, so we could watch the beginning, after the end, as it were. Whilst eating a pizza. At 2am. Man, I love the hours in South America countries.

7) Yep. No one can really dance to music in discos. Enthusiasm is the key. I am going to do a tango lesson shortly. Then I can become utterly shameless on the dance front. Yipee. I might be rubbish but you've gotta put it out there. Life's for the living

8) Back in old London town, a variety of books, some dust bunnies, various packs of printed photos, some hair ties, escapee tablets, a bottle of water, a big box of clothes, some weights (rather dusty from under use), my flute and a guitar tuner. Right this second, nothing as the bed frame is sort of a big solid box. But very comfy none the less.

9) Calling with good news - my mum or my bessie mate. Or whatever fun person is closest to where I'm stood. Someone who would enjoy it and get a kick out of it themselves.

10) In Nottinghamshire, with its lush greeness and forest, in a teeny mining village where the last bus left at 7.30pm or maybe 8pm on a racy night. We biked around, wandered through farmers fields, played on the train tracks as the train went past (yikes), went to the Horse and Jockey pub in town and tried to get served and generally got down with all the 80s tunes, films, hair, leggings and bangles. With occasional jousting (Robin Hood Festival is BIG DEAL here in his home)

11) I am afraid of hospitals. The smell, the colour of the walls. I am afraid of cockroaches. the weird clicking sound that they make, which now I come to think about it, is not entirely unsimilar to the noise of the keys on this netbook. Eurrggghhhh! But I'm not paralysed by fear of either, so no, fairly phobia free ta.

12) Laughter in the face of adversity. Which may be perceived as flippancy but actually takes more effort than you'd think.

13) Yes, I am a morning and a night person. I'm just not a mid-afternoon person. There tends to be a bit of a lull.

14) I won't get sucked back into the 9 to 5 rat race when I get back from my trip. I am striving to make it true too, but worry that it could be a lie.

15) Bruises? No, not really.

16) NO pulp please. And can it be frozen and passionfruit? Marvellous.

Peace out ladies, have a great day

Here on earth

2011-06-12T11:45:00.001+01:00

The big enormous world

2011-05-04T23:17:00.001+01:00

is a far and wide place with lots of great things in it, to eat and photograph and smell and experience and see
i'm working on it.
Well, a few tiny chunks of it.

New Zealand is one of the most glorious chunks of it though
Get here soon folks, before everyone finds out

Talking to your family

2010-12-06T21:50:00.002Z

is great, ain't it?

My aunt: Have you got a proper boyfriend yet?

Me: ...short speechless silence during which i wonder if i've accidentally dialled back in time somehow and shortly I will get told off for spending too much time on the phone and asked by my mum to provide my PE kit for washing coz it's hockey tomorrow.

WFT - boyfriend?
I haven't had one of those for YEARS.
It's a term that makes me recoil, even though I don't have a good alternative.
I loathe girlfriend with an equally fiery passion.

Best answer to this question came from Dodo:
Surely an improper one would be better?

Fabulous.
That I can do. Ha ha.
Therefore, whyfore the label worry?
Who can tell?

I guess because growing up it was a question that often had a negative answer, it still flicks me on a sore spot.

peace out people, we're all someones boy or girlfriend, sometime

Cautionary tales for girls from Maya Angelou

2010-10-10T17:15:00.001+01:00

They went home and told their wives,
that never once in all their lives,
had they known a girl like me,
But... They went home.

They said my house was licking clean,
no word I spoke was ever mean,
I had an air of mystery,
But... They went home.

My praises were on all men's lips,
they liked my smile, my wit, my hips,
they'd spend one night, or two or three.
But...

wedding tunes

2010-10-10T14:43:00.002+01:00

I ought to be resolving the query I'm running on a database
but i'm doing a playlist for the wedding instead.
I'm kicking off with Stand and Deliver and closing with Ain't No Other Man.
it's purely belter and a bit eclectic

Right recalcitrant database, thy days are numbered. you will behave

Peace out folks

And ....

2010-09-23T01:37:00.001+01:00

the world has changed

Worse or better
Who can tell?

Frank Turner, folks. He's jolly good.

And she cries in the night

2010-09-23T01:21:00.002+01:00

Today would have been my dad's birthday.

Do you stop having birthdays when you die?

Or is that dictated by fame? Mozart will have a birthday for decades but in 20 more years, Led Zeppelin's will be faded moment in the history of brief lives lived large on a world stage?

Anyhow, there it is. He is no more and yet the day remains. And it needs marking.
So it's a commemoration thing. At the commemorative bench.

'Sometimes I sits.
And sometimes I sits and thinks'.

Hug your people tight folks, because we are on a rock that's spinning silently.

Amortised

2010-09-21T09:14:00.002+01:00

Isn't it a great word?

Visually, it has something gothic going for it and it would have to be said that diminishing debt by regular payment by installments is an almost other worldly concept in these hectic days of ours.

I am debt free.

You can perhaps conceive of the wonder that it is to type that.

I pay things off at the end of the month. Me. I don't have to split the lump sum and spread it across a variety of interest free cards any more. YOWSER.

Peace out folks and keep chipping away, one day it'll be gone

eermmm Planet Jedward ?!!***%%%!!

2010-07-27T10:34:00.002+01:00

Really?
are you sure, world?

Can't we leave it at Glee and be done?

If you're desperate for cute Irish singers, try Harry and Alfie Hudson-Taylor

and if you're just looking for cute Irish youth, go on Youtube and look at 3sixty5days
emo funniness, Irish style

biting on the bitter sweet

2010-07-27T09:54:00.002+01:00

I've typed it before and no doubt I'll type it again but a fair bit of life is biting on the bitter sweet.

Because it's so short and fleeting, we ought to be clinging to the great bits and even the alright bits but we're all a bit metric and measurement oriented nowadays and that feeling you get when you don't measure up and tick boxes and meet criteria is weird.

Because on the one hand, your rational mind knows that you can only really measure against your own values anyhow.

But on the other hand, you review and realise that you don't have most of things that people are finding important.

This makes you mildly uncomfortable at times but only because it removes you from regular classification and therefore makes you harder for others to understand.

And you can't quite shake the sensation that 'at your age' running off with the [circus/insert alt lifestyle choice here] will look a lot like a nervous breakdown in progress, with funding.
And also sad because inevitably you'll have to come back. And live on people's floor til you start main streaming again.

But anyway the purpose of the post was to acknowledge formally those nano seconds when you think 'wish i had a cute baby to snuggle'. 'wish someone would twitch the duvet back over me in the night, even if I was too hot' and some of the gooey stuff. Like my mate finding out years into his relationship that naming days are a big deal in Scandic countries and finally making a huge fuss. Cute. Sweet. Attention to detail. Never demanded either, which must make it all the sweeter.

Those moments don't crowd out the absolute joy of going to the library, getting 4 books out and reading them into the middle of the night while listening to an odd combo of Frank Turner, David Ryan Adams, 30 Seconds to Mars, Wicked and Miley Cyrus, whilst eating crackers and wearing only moisturising foot socks because it's unearthly hot at present but you can't have your window open all night because you a) life on the bus lane (NOISY) and b) currently have road works at the cross roads just down the road and people in traffic around here have such diabolical music taste that just hearing 15 second snatches of it drift in thru the shutters is enough to increase your basal temperature by 50 degrees. Or Kelvins or something.

I am a selfish shellfish. I like walking to the beat of my own drum. I like pleasing myself about stuff and wearing dodgy old black shorts round the house with a customised 'you f#cking love it' stripey t shirt with no bra and waiting til the Gilmore Girls is on before there's any great action.

But today, I'd quite have liked a cute boy to pop to the corner shop and pick me up some milk so I could have a latte while watching. Rather than having a herb tea because i was too much of a bum to go yesterday.

I realised, in a blinding flash the other day, that the glorious mummies that I know would on occasion like to swap and be the ones who are lounging and then heading out with iced coffee to the Grace Kelly Style Icon exhibition at the V & A this afternoon, meeting old friends and going for cocktails.
And maybe that's the splendour of the whole thing - a Mum is never just a mum, she's also someone's bessie mate and confidant and the person who makes someone else feel woefully inadequate in some other area. Even the clueless 35 year old singleton is getting someone's vote.

So be at peace, for once, folks, deep in your souls. You are someone's joy and no doubt occasionally someone's sorrow.
And as long as that's because of your choices, it's all good

Public image

2010-07-22T14:08:00.002+01:00

v sad to report that in the star wars continuum, I'm a bit more

than Leia at present.

My mate posted a picture of me with my giant jabba arms on Facebook of all places. Yuk yuk.

Digital photography haunts me. I preferred it when one person had the picture and that was that.
you hated it but hey, at least people had to visit it to bear witness
Humph.

Music of a down

2010-07-22T13:55:00.002+01:00

When you are off to a meeting about your provisional selection for redundancy, music selection is an important thing.

As is outfit choice, but I'd already nailed that.

And so, really, System of a Down was the only choice. Andy did me a compilation to run to, but it makes me giggle to much, laughing at the crudity.
Boy did I need a laugh that morning.

But now it is done. The die is cast.
It's over.

And now I have mourned for a couple of weeks, I am back to the me-ness of life with a gusto.
And a wee peak at the Alexander Skarsgard. and a Listen to 30 Seconds to MArs and some excellent covers by some v. talented Irish lads that I have actually met - Harry & Alfie Hudson-Taylor.
Harry's 18th birthday post was deeply hilarious.

And so it is that here on Planet Maj, there are plots to be hatched and lives to be lived. Whether we like it or not.
So i'm off to buy butter for my malt loaf and borrow some rubbish literature for late night reading from the library.

Then I might count my mighty change mountain and see about turning it into beer.
Given that I am unemployed, some activity of this nature is beholden upon me, no?

There may be acapella busking at some point too. You have been warned

Peace out people. Good things are coming our way

from beyond the veil

2010-06-07T15:41:00.003+01:00

Even though I know that my mum and dad shared an email address and that she is still using the account, it does still freak me out to find emails from HERIMPERIALMAJESTYDAD@blah.com in my inbox.

I realise that wherever he's gone, he's got far better things to be doing than email me but still...
I can dream

Some sunny day baby, you'll look up and see that I am gone

2010-05-25T10:43:00.002+01:00

It was a beautiful evening yesterday. Roads like clean black tar rivers. A bright sky with groovy clouds displaying shafts of light in the rear view mirror.
Undulating fields of bright yellow oilseed rape swaying in the breeze and then BLAM, I rounded a corner and came upon the sea horse tree, always a marker in my journey.
And now devoid of the three branches that look like sea horses, which also didn't seem to be any where on the ground.
It was my dad who first drew my attention to the tree and now they're both gone.
Ah the fearful symetry of life.

people are people so why should it be

2010-05-19T16:03:00.002+01:00

you and I should get along so awfully?

Well, I've thought about it and I can tell you why in three reasons:

1) you work very hard at not getting on with me but in stealth and underhand ways as you haven't got the cojones to front me.
Unlucky, I'm not to big to say that I made a mistake LAST AUGUST with a tiny bit of filing and that since i was picked up on it in OCTOBER, I haven't done it again. Really, if it's taken you that long to find it, it begs the question - didn't you have any real work to do? Still though, I did it, I admit it and I'm even sorry for it.

2) you're obviously a very unhappy person and you'd like to share that around. well done, once again you have.

3) i do not, have not and will not kiss up to you. Live with it. It's not going to happen. You can however keep it up and make yourself look mean, small minded and petty.

You upset me. It's true. I wish it weren't so but I'm quite at a loss to understand how I've engendered such hostility in you.
Unless it's because I eat. Every day. At least three times.
That's all i can come up with.

Still though, I feel Ghandhi about it.
this is my other cheek.
I present it to you.

But please note, it's for the LAST time.

Peace out people, let's share the joy in life and put the petty woes behind us wherever we can

pigmies and hobbits

2010-05-11T21:33:00.001+01:00

i saw lots of these on Friday, shod as i was vertiginous heels of immense and indeed intense pinkness.
Lovely work it is too, strutting about as a high heeled wonder. Why one feels that one really could touch the stars.
But there was a lot of shortness about.
And while I realise it takes all sorts to make a world, i have observed that the online dating site that i'm on (ha ha if 4 dates in about as many years counts as an active profile) is increasingly becoming a pocket rocket mecca.

This is not useful to a big bird like myself as there's nowt more likely to illuminate your lumpy bits than a Lilliputian courtesan.

Oh Don Juan de Richard Armitage, donde estan los hombres altos?

And all that jazz (to be sung)

2010-04-30T10:23:00.002+01:00

Avishai Cohen Quintet blew my mind last night

The sensuous curve of AC's double bass and his jazz face, beatific Amos plucking his oud, the incredible percussion of Itamar Doari, soaring vocals and the most accomplished piano styles of the appropriately names Shai Maestro.
With some good hollering from Avishai and Karen over the top.

So what if the grills of the church flooring maimed my new pink shoes (why oh why do they cover heels in fabric, leather or patent anyway, don't they know with the pavements of the modern world they are ASKING for trouble?)

It was a magical evening and all thanks to NB and his marvellous birthday tickets.
Yipee for new music

possilby should have stuck to football

2010-04-25T20:48:00.003+01:00

I liked Matt Smith in the Ruby in the Smoke.
But Who Boy isn't working for me.
Even thought he's a knowledgeable chap on his music and seems rather affable.

He's much more believable in his own clothes rather than the odd tweedy ensemble looking thing. AS if he's escaped from some old Open University programme.

And why does he sound like he went to Eton?

Couldn't he just be a lad of his age with a Tardis?

It's official, i'm about 20 years too old for Doctor Who now.

There are things to let go. Not quite ready too though.

I saw Adam Ant on Friday so I do know what i'm talking about.
Although to be fair he's in super good nick and in many ways, punk to the bone.

So folks, Stand and Deliver!

please do this today

2010-04-25T19:16:00.001+01:00

go and register to give your organs in the event of your death.

Seriously.

Unless you can say in all certainty that you would NEVER take one yourself or want one for a member of your family.

Thanks

ponderous

2010-04-23T16:42:00.002+01:00

And the world has changed

Worse or better? Who can tell?

- Frank Turner
again.
Yeah, I know but he's catchy as all heck

We made it to Friday folks. Peace out, wear feathers, enjoy x

head on backwards

2010-04-22T15:03:00.002+01:00

you know you've got your head on backwards when:

you shut the door to the lounge bit of your suite without realising this will lock it shut so you can't open it AND before you've checked you took your only pair of shoes out

you get to the station and buy a ticket to Leeds, when you're supposed to be going to York

you open your suitcase to get out your lovely white shirt for the evening and find you've left it on the lovely white bed spread of the previous hotel you checked into.
And that so pristinely white was it that house keeping have taken it with the laundry.
To Bishop Auckland.
But also that the lovely house keeper will post it to you.
Just NOT for this evening.

you consider doing this evening's event in the nice TT Races t shirt you've bought your mum but conclude that convention dictates you stick with today's shirt and jacket.
Ah well x

what happens

2010-04-19T21:56:00.001+01:00

when i can't remember him anymore?

remembrance

2010-04-19T20:57:00.002+01:00

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning,
We will remember them.

That's the bit that everyone knows

I am quite taken with this bit to:

Solemn the drums thrill: Death august and royal
Sings sorrow up into immortal spheres.
There is music in the midst of desolation
And a glory that shines upon our tears.

(it's folk music i think)

and this bit

Moving in marches upon the heavenly plain,
As the stars that are starry in the time of our darkness,
To the end, to the end, they remain.

It's Lawrence Binyon's 'For the Fallen'.

and he said

2010-04-07T14:35:00.003+01:00

You'll live to dance
Another day
It's just now you'll have to dance
For the two of us

So stop looking so down and depressed
Sing with all your heart
For the King is dead

(this is actually Frank Turner and not me at all but it sums up where I'm at in the whole grieving process, and also lets me name drop a troubadour of note. With a Holbein tattoo.)
(That last sentence/phrase might not mean much to you, dear Reader, but the only really suitable responses are:
a) Zounds!
b) Where abouts?

Thank you and good night

Grief doesn't make you any less horrid

2010-03-29T20:33:00.002+01:00

I'm a horrid and bad person.
i noticed one of my acquaintances had friended another of my acquaintances from yesteryear.
So i went for a nosey.
And discovered that this dude is now married.
And instead of thinking 'how nice that he's in a good place', I actually thought 'hmph, how come everyone else is getting snapped up like hot cakes and i'm not even as popular as free horse dung for your roses in the romance stakes'.

Which goes to show that egomania is rife, particularly when your place in the grand scheme of things seems to be getting smaller and narrower and less easily felt all the time.

Ah. Woe is me.

This could all of course just be oven cleaner fumes, as I just mister muscled my oven. Having moved in in 2006, I'm sure you'll agree, it was becoming a necessity.

Either that or the might prevarication is rearing its ugly head as I try to get various elements of my life back under control

Peace out people. May your washing machine never chew your favourite T shirt

Because I don't have any words of my own right now

2010-03-19T16:14:00.003Z

This is a song by Philip Millichip.
I first heard it in me dad's car, whailed out by Vin Garbutt, a rather fabulous British Folk type, who is deeply deeply hilarious if you hear him in conversation.

I'm putting it up now for my lovely Dad, Geoffrey, who lost the good fight on 8th February.
the inquest said it was the damn dirty coal that did it, so this song seems appropriate, coz he was miner and in the mine's rescue for a long time.

When I was a boy, I was ready and willing
To act like a man and to work for my pay.
So I went underground when the hooter would sound
And I worked all my best years away.

And I’ve seen men go down and they’ve never come up
And I’ve seen men who lived and wished they were dead.
When the choice is you eat or go hungry,
You see that your children are fed.

And if I had a son he would never go down there
To work all his days in your damned dingy hole.
You can close every pit from Bedworth to China.
You’ve broken me body and soul
In search of your dirty damned coal.

I remember a man who was trapped in the seam
With two ton of coal on his head.
As I lay in the dark to the beat of me heart,
I remember the words that I said:
If I ever get out of this hellhole I’m in,
I’ll never come down here again.
But what could I do?
Tell me, where could I go?
So I put on me pit boots again.

As I walk on the mountains, the memory’s there still,
But they've covered the scars of the land
With the grass that grows over the dirty black slag heaps
And nature has given a hand.
But they can't put new breath in my body,
Nor heal all the scars that they find,
Nor bring back my friends that are dead and gone
And only alive in my mind.

So I take all the tablets the doctors prescribe,
And I rest when I’m climbing the stairs,
And I curse every day of my youth thrown away,
And I wonder if anyone cares.
When I look at the child in the faded old photos
And I think of what’s left of the man,
I remember a dream that was crushed by the seam,
Digging coal from the bowels of the land.

Before

2010-02-08T16:36:00.002Z

The ringing of the phone in total darkness. the flashing of the mobile screen.
Knowing who it is as you answer. the drive in near darkness, with terminator precision guiding you past the other traffic. Cutting a dash and trying to decided in passing if Chris Moyles is annoying or playing to type.
Wondering if you'd listen to Chris Evans if the music weren't so dire. Wandering if you could splice Xfms musiic into a combo of the other two to create the perfect before sunrise drive time ensemble.
Arriving in well under the time a law abiding driver would take.
To see the truth of the matter:
there is nothing gentle about this going in that to good night.
it will be a rasping contorted experience in torture for both the nearly departed and the loving supporting family.
The body, what little flesh remains and the enormous will to power it strive ever onwards in what is now definitely a losing battle that won't even really be interspersed with even momentary flashes of the incredible person that lays within, somewhere.
Now is the time of strange sponge lollies for moisture and minute adjustments of medication that comes in glass vials and is continuously delivered via a needle driver, providing only amusement for the cat for whom the tiny white tubing still brings on the kitten.
While the rest of us wait.
and yet somehow, in the face of this, I am still expecting it to prove to have been some ghastly mistake all along. He will sit up and tell me we're all going on safari this summer and that I should come home and live with my Mummy and my Daddy (which was the long standing threat if I ever moaned about city life and being a grown up... the coming home bit, not the going on safari).
I realise it won't happen but still. The power of imaginings is strong at these times.

Peace out people.
I hope your nearest and dearest are in fine health and remain so for many a long year.

another year, another bout of procrastination

2010-01-28T20:19:00.001Z

And so it is that i must pause for a moment to tell you that I currently listening to GCSE Spanish CDs while sorting out a giant database of doom.

Hope January is treating you all well.
WE've had such freaky weather and grey skies.
But hey - here's comes the shortest month!

Peace out people
Hasta luego and all that

the worst time of the night

2010-01-18T22:52:00.003Z

so i'm actually typing all this in a very precarious position, with lap top balanced on my tummy, head wedged against the headboard, bright pink rider skullcandy headphones on even though there's no soound but the drumming of my fingers on the keys.

i've got the occasional shakes which is nice. Do you ever get that thing where your knee is like totally out of control? it's like that only my whole leg and i'm focusing very intently on everything that i'm doing a present so i don't psyche myself out about my various worries.

I started counselling last week and it pretty much ripped the top off my head and let things come leaping forward and then you realise quite how down you are and how much of yourself you've given away and the distance there is to travel and frankly you'd quite like to run the inca trail carrying the 40 stone virgin. you are frodo and mordor is endless.
only it's worse than that because there is no fellowship (i'm not dissing my excellent circle of supportive amigos here, they're fabulous) in the middle of the night or on the bus or that random moment when it all begins to assail you and there's a lot of stuff to work through.

And i sort of feel like i'm all alone in the dark, whilst also feeling that i now know where there's a torch. i'm just not near it.

I may have to mainline some biffy.

i would start to think on the things that came out of last week but frankly that would be like punching myself repeatedly in the head right now so maybe i'll save that for tomorrow.
Perhaps i could think about it as i jog slowly rround the very small block.

i'm in here. Somewhere.

Actually, this post was going to be entirely trivial and flippant. The worst part of the night being when the website that's got all episodesof One Tree Hill from the beginning on it kicks me out for having watched 58 mins today. boooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Me and mini me - what the future could hold

2010-01-18T21:43:00.004Z

Sooooooooo, una amiga is going to become casada this year. Cue confetti or at least rose petals.

But also, me and Number One Bestest Girl on parade.

Apparently she (aged 6) feels that matching outfits are the way to go.

But there could be a snag as this is her idea of cool dressing:

(insert picture of Disney Princesses here seeing as blogger won't)

And this is mine....

(insert picture of tank girl in a bra top and cut offs, swinging a baseball bat here, seeing as blogger still won't)

But it's ok, because mummy says there'll be NO matching of the dresses.

So all i have to do now is get in shape.
Which is a bit of a bride concern i know but seriously there are some pictures of me on Facebook from Tenerific time pre-Xmas, where i'd had gastro the whole of the week before and i swear, i'm exerting my own gravitational pull.
I'm channelling Nessa and i mean right down to the arms. all i need's a welsh dragon tattoo and i'm good to go. (NB for anyone not in UK, Nessa is in Gavin and Stacey and you might need a Brit frame of reference to get it)
Dirty great bruise on my arm and a vest top. all bad. note to self : the arms need to stay under cover.

But i digress. back to thinking about how cool it will be to hang with my ladies and stand up with them and stuff. Just please - no papparazzi.

The block is calling me.

56p

2010-01-18T21:39:00.002Z

that's what it costs now to post something to EUROPE.

No wonder everyone is using the internet instead of long hand, can you imagine what it must cost to post things over the pond?

Still though, hopefully it was the best 56p i spent all day.

i have not had a single cup of coffee today.

Nada.
Wow. It's been a LONG time since I could say that.
And it's two days in row now.
Which is perhaps why i have a headache at the back of my head.
Although that could be ongoing snot.

But anyway, send somone a letter. in the post. Or a wee postcard. something with your actual penmanship on it. Go on. I dare ya.
imagine opening something that wasn't printed spam or a bill.
the wilder joy.

it's probably all part of the same thing

2010-01-12T13:47:00.002Z

but making the moves to climb out of your dark pit of despair is feels as bad as just sleep walking through life because of it.
The idea of talking to some body about it all doesn't sound at all like a thing of release and wonder now that it's finally approaching.
Dodo has suggested writing myself some crib notes so i don't miss anything and consider the whole event as a massive vent.
I can't shake the feeling that might well lead to me getting a nice jacket, with special straps that fasten on the back.
Still though, as with everything, i've got to start somewhere.
Although i have to say that i think a few months unwashed under the duvet sounds nicer

who would you write the letters of your life to so far?

2010-01-09T22:28:00.003Z

I've just finished reading/skimming (sorry Dawn) Dawn French's biography.
Some of the letters were utterly compelling, others were a bit too info heavy into areas that don't interest me so much.
Which illuminates my interest areas, more than it highlights Dawn's interestingness.
Obviously, for reasons broadly and minutely documented here in, the Dad bits interested me, the adoption bit, the bits about snogging he he.

I quite liked the format of it being letters to people.

It made me think that there's going to be a lot ( i hope) of letters that i will need to brain write to my dad in the future and that maybe by not doing them to my Gran, I've been partially responsible for damaging my own powerbase.
Interesting.

More thoughts on the Halifax ad, which is haunting me

2010-01-09T22:23:00.001Z

Seriously, anytime I flick on the goggle box, there it blooming is.
It's an advert where they have a radio station and they're welcoming people to their breakfast show. So why can't they exclusively show it in the mornings, when i NEVER put the TV on, instead of plaguing me in the evenings with their deeply annoying high 5 ness.

Anything less likely to make me syphon funds in their direction I can't imagine, unless it involved a collaboration between James Blunt and Phil Collins, with Cheryl Cole on backing.
yuk yuk yuk

Real life

2010-01-09T22:13:00.004Z

So i was talking to my esteemed amigo
Who had a relationship go south pre Christmas

And it turns out that despite his massive self esteem issues, etc, he had in fact lied to his chica and run around on her.

Is this the norm nowadays?
Speaking as someone who went for drinks and flirtation with someone they believed was on the market, followed by boy instigated snogging and walking home, and indeed fondling.
So i was rather shocked to learn that this man has a present incumbant. Living in his house.
And even more so that they're engaged. WTF? Is that how it works now?
you change your mind a bit or just decide to keep your options open?
Weird. That's what it is.

Lord knows I'm super greedy and my moral standards can work flexi BUT if i'm with someone, i'm just with them. And when I'm done, i try to make sure they're the 2nd person to know. AT least the 3rd. Not just running concurrently as different option for Wednesdays or the like.

Time for another cracker? Nope. thanks to Paul McKenna, I know that i'm actually full, despite the presence of more crackers, cheese and butter in front of me.
This eating when you're hungry, eating what you want to eat, taking the time to enjoy it and stopping when you've had enough is quite cunningly simple so far.

Objects of true beauty

2010-01-09T22:08:00.002Z

It's Saturday night in ol' London Town.

And yes, it's sub zero and one giant skating rink out there, but this is the year for putting oneself out there and meeting some new folk.

However, tonight is first UK episode of the current series of CSI:NY

Detective Flack. Woof woof.

Eddie Cahill. If you're in London ever hon and you want macaroons and a cawfee, just holla.

Don't you just know, looking at his cheeky face, that he looks great in denim?

needle driver

2010-01-06T19:12:00.001Z

i really don't want it to be time for one of those to go and live at my parents' house.

it feels like a stage of the count down I'm not ready for

the new halifax ad

2010-01-06T19:10:00.001Z

is it just me or does it imply that halifax will lie to people to be perceived as cool?
There's a guy with a bin on his head, pretending to be in space...

things three little words can't do

2010-01-04T22:53:00.001Z

bring back the time that's been stolen

erase harsh words spoken

make it easier to bear the tough times

Paul McKenna can make me thin. Or so he's claiming, from the box now

2010-01-04T20:03:00.002Z

He just weighed his whole studio audience.
I may have to watch this.
With an omelette.

'Go and weigh yourself'.

Yeah, Paul, like I'd have scales in the house.

More on the 5k ass project 2010 later

Happy new year people. Peace out

'When you're hungry, go and eat'.
Hmm, maybe Paul is on to something....

Lovefool 2009 or there's no fool like an old fool

2009-12-22T14:33:00.003Z

When things get you twice, it's sort of your own fault, isn't it?

it's not like you didn't know what was coming.
But there you go.

He gazed into my 'golden' eyes.
He was funny and entertaining. And muscley.
And i tried not to think 'hmm, could this finally be going somewhere?'

But he is also, as it turns out, listed as engaged to someone else on Facebook.

To paraphrase Radiohead 'you do it to yourself, you do, that's what really hurts'.

Fortunately, I shall toss my beautiful bed hair (think glamorised Russell Brand on a lady) and bat the lashes of my golden eyes, and move on to the next thing.

(although i may gnash my teeth somewhat in private because i'm sure that i'm not wholly deluded and that he is in fact into me, for all the difference that makes).

what

2009-11-17T23:04:00.001Z

is your toe tapping along to at the moment?

i finally got round to downloading
a)the theme from True Blood
b) Placebo covering Kate Bush on Running up that Hill
c) Black Eyed Peas Boom Boom Pow

I'm sure the person next to me on the bus this morning was suitably puzzled.
They kept leaning in, i'm not one of those super loud listeners

ooo and my bus is a double decker again. V. weird. It has giant TV screens on it that show the CCTV from the bus. I was dancing at myself yesterday evening and let me tell you, that kind of behaviour will get you seat to yourself and no mistaking it.
it's nearly more effective than drunkeness or being intensely smelly.
But not quite.

you know you need to get out more

2009-10-08T10:36:00.003+01:00

when your current best offer for your birthday next week is a discount deal from Nando's and a movie, sent via the local cinema.

And even more so when you can't take it because you'll be WORKING that evening

Nando's though.
I don't even eat chicken.
Although their portabello mushroom thingy is really tasty.

why it's over between me and the Wolesley even though i've never eaten there

2009-10-06T14:36:00.002+01:00

Today, about 30 mins ago:

A wobbly paving slab near the office just squirted stinky water all over the front of my trousers.
Stinky Wolseley water.
The odour is an alluring mixture of revolting gone off fish and restaurant gubbins. Quite indescribably pungent.
They don't jet wash the pavement around their delivery area now, that there's scaffolding up, so who knows how long it has been stagnating to full evil beneath the concrete?

It smells like ripe dead people so I’ve had to wash the bottom of my left trouser leg in the loo and currently I’m

a) Wearing my scarf as a skirt (thank god I had opaque black tights on under my trousers in case it was cold later
b) Waiting for my trousers to dry. They’re in a spare office, at the top of a step ladder, on a desk. Any time now I’m doing to turn round and find that this is actually an episode of the I.T. Crowd.
c) Really annoyed that I was wearing designer trousers. I only have one pair and now they're draped like avant garde sculpture on a desk in the civil aviation office.

I might photograph it. It could be an exhibit for the Turner Prize next year.
Perhaps I can damage more items of clothing around their building works and then it can become part of a series....

clothing disasters and nasty niffs aside, peace out people
x

do people rise to the occasion?

2009-09-20T16:59:00.001+01:00

That's what is seems like

After feeling bad and agonising about something for a while, I finally got to having the discussion about it today and do you know what, it went well.
Well it went as well as the 'it's not you, it's me' conversation ever goes.

So now all I have to do is worry about my own mental wealth, rather than considering someone else's too.
Selfish of me I know but there it is.

Be good to yourselves folks and practice kindness to others, because every little drop really does count

My mind misgives some consequence yet hanging in the stars

2009-09-11T16:44:00.003+01:00

Did you ever meet someone who made your antenna twitch? Not in a good way but in a 'there's something wrong here' way.

My old friend from school's fiance did that for me.
There was just something about his manner from the get go. A little something in his smile that rang insincere. Something a little too lively in his eyes as he appraised all her friends. Something a little bit 'master and servant' in his tone when he spoke to her.
And yet we don't make others choices, however much we adore them and it is a dangerous thing to raise a sense of unease to the lover. They do not like it, Sam I am, they do not like it one little bit.
Life has taught me to follow my instincts.
It sounds a bit naff and rather cocky to say that I'm somehow sensitive to things but I can be. I'm nosey in a different way to some and it makes me see somethings that are hiding in plain sight.
There's no satisfaction to it though because it doesn't tend to be fluffy stuff that's hiding in plain sight.

Lately one of my friends has been on my mind. She's on my watch list. Something is afoot with her. It's been coming a while. Thankfully she's stopped being brave about it and painting over it.
She's about to get some legal advice. Which is great. But I worry that this makes the chances of bad stuff greater.

I get a weird feel from someone otherwise sweet that I met recently.
I'm predisposed to be distrustful of him, I admit. People who think I'm instantly wonderful and gorgeous and want to see me all the time do that to me. It doesn't ring true.
That's not self deprecation on my part - I am totally rockingbird - I'm hip, I'm the funniest girl in Europe, I've got an ok face and great hair and my rack is second to none. I am well into my music, I do eat and belly laughing is totally the future.

But there's a something.
Like if I could just turn my head fast enough I'd be able to see what it is....

So take note of your gut feelings. They might be telling you what you already know really. Or something that you need to know.

there's no pleasing some people

2009-09-08T20:03:00.001+01:00

too too annoying to come second to the cabling of the world's largest television on a call that you're returning to the super nice guy that you don't want to date again.
Confused?
Ah well, get back to deciding what to wear for your assignation with a geezer who makes yer knees tremble instead girl and don't ponder over much on what a contrary little beast you are, now will you

If my life were a movie

2009-09-04T14:06:00.001+01:00

there would be a gun shot

and the camera would

pan away

*this is Ani di Franco but accurately surmises the uncertainty of life's rich pageant right now.

Peace out people, the weekend cometh

Dawg gone done it

2009-08-27T13:52:00.001+01:00

You may recall various posts of procrastination

And posts of beating head off table and word counting and track changes.

Well all that's behind us now folks because dog garn it, the results are in and I have PASSED. It is a done diploma, in the bag.

PHEW! Large beverages for all those involved ;o)

I wonder if my £5.60 euro millions win

2009-08-26T10:29:00.000+01:00

is trying to tell me something about having to take another route to financial happiness and stability....

Ah well. Free (ish) money. Even if it's only a fiver, I'll take it.
I will however re-invest a pound of it on tonight's lottery draw, as a gesture of good faith in lady luck and fortune, who surely favour the brave

Peace out folks

Talked yourself out of anything fabulous lately?

2009-08-25T10:47:00.000+01:00

You know the sort of thing, stuff that is good and relatively easy.
where you have a laugh and a bit of a share

and then you think...

this is toooo good

and

I know I'm not actually wonderful and one day you too will find this out.

It's all a bit Good Will Hunting in brain land

Right now you're perfect and they're perfect too.
Isn't that just easier for everyone?

I know you have a little life in you yet

2009-08-18T22:01:00.002+01:00

I know you have a lot of strength left...

I should be crying but I just can't let it go
I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking
All the things I should have said that never said
All the things I could have done that I never did
All the things I could have given that I didn't
Oh darling, make it go
Make it go away

I'm borrowing from Kate Bush because words begin to fail me.
But hey that's not the only thing that's failed me this year so I suppose I was bound to join in at some point.

Talking of failure, pulmonary fibrosis means that oxygen is failing to circulate my dad's body.
So it's two condensers now and hi-flow all the day long
It hisses.
A constant white noise and blowing in your face.
and it needs a face mask so there's now a layer of medical plastic between him the world.
And all ambient noises are increased because oxygen condensers don't hide their light under a bushel, to make a visual thing out of what is actually audible.

But as I said words fail me.

50 bands I've seen

2009-08-10T20:07:00.002+01:00

in no particular order and not necessarily in any particularly indicative of taste....

1. Bros
2. Bon Jovi
3. Erasure
4. MegaCity4
5. The Levellers
6. The Wonderstuff
7. The Orb
8. Primal Scream
9. Sonic Youth
10. Massive Attack
11. Oasis
12. Lloyd Cole
13. Ryan Adams
14. The Cardinals
15. Josh Ritter
16. Paul Weller
17. Aha
18. I'm From Barcelona
19. The Wedding Present
20. The Fall
21. James
22. Morrissey
23. Ani Di Franco
24. Blur
25. Graham Coxon
26. The Delays
27. The Charlatans
28. The Bluetones
29. Erasure
30. Foo Fighters
31. the White Stripes
32. The Raconteurs
33. Christie Moore
34. Brakes Brakes Brakes
35. Richard Hawley
36. Biffy Clyro
37. Low
38. Murder by Death
39. Faith No More
40. Kasabian
41. Richard Ashcroft
42. Shed SEven
43. Red Hot Chili Peppers
44. Rival Schools
45. Kings of Leon
46. The Darkness
47. The Killers
48. Scissor Sisters
49. Snow Patrol
50. The Beastie Boys

Dating in the Noughties

2009-08-02T22:56:00.002+01:00

It's a weird world. Who knew we'd post ourselves on the net and hope for interested parties to get in touch?
How could this work?
Would it be better or worse than dark dingy clubs and beer as a strategy? Frankly I don't remember, it's been half a decade since I pulled in a club, which is a shameful thing to say because comparatively, I'm not even that old.

I don't think I've been having my quota of goes, as it were.
I may be woefully behind on that sort of thing.

And yet although I like the idea of scrapping some of the mechanics of moving to the rumpy pumpy part of it all, I really don't want to go online to see pictures of someone I might like to get intimate with's willy.
Is that sexy in 2009?
Not for me folks. No no no.
Likewise, there will be no photographing of naked breasts and emailing. NO.

Is that what this is?
Like one of those old school menus in country's where you don't speak the language or know the alphabet where you just point at the desired dish?
Hmm.
something in that is lacking for me.

I might have to get back to my knitting instead.

Peace out folks

sometimes the way things are said tells you all you need to know

2009-07-27T15:55:00.002+01:00

Me: glance this way please
She: (dramatic sigh) Do i HAVE to?

Me: My poor housemate's in hospital with a bacterial infection.
She: Is that the affect you've had on him? ha ha (quasi ironic laughter)

Me: Morning!
Them: (Resounding sound of silence) then 40 minutes later: Don't say good morning then.

Welcome to my office. More politics than Whitewall, less ethics than a guerilla outfit. Think really bitchy playground during hormonal times. Times it by a Gazillion.
And you're still not even close.

Which is why I'm a clock watcher. Wishing my life away.

Well, the work day bit of it.

Random questionnaire that Payne posted on Facebook

2009-07-20T13:55:00.000+01:00

Two names you go by?Fordy. Kitty
Have you ever been given a rose ?Yep, got one in maths one year. It was actually more of a publicity stunt for the sender
Have you ever licked a photo?On occasion. I blame Johnny Depp
Have you ever been in love?It was so long ago that I might be remembering it wrong
Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?I’m skeptical. I believe that there must be multiple people that you could be happy with. Even though there don’t seem to be any people that I can be romantically happy with.
What's your current problem?Health issues. Other people. Cash and the lack of.Have you ever had your heart broken?It’s been kicked a bit. I’ve had my pride and sense of self broken, if that counts.
Do you have a crush?On Stockard Channing? Course.
How many kids do you want to have?This is a thorny subject for me. I would like one but that may not be possible, let alone likely.
What is/are your favorite colors?Black, brown, green, purple, red
Have you ever found it hard to tell anyone you like them?Not really. I just come out with it. It’s seldom reciprocated and that gives you a sense of bravery because if you’re not expecting reciprocation there’s nothing to lose.
Imagine you're 40 & your husband/wife just died would you get re-married?I don’t intend to get married at all. And I’ve left it relatively late. So it’s hard to tell. I’m quite pragmatic about things so yeah, it’s possible that if I get started, I’ll be totally Elizabeth Taylor about it.What song do you want played at your wedding?She’s On It by the Beastie BoysDo you like/love anyone?Many peopleDo you think the person you like/love loves/likes you back?Some of ‘em know and love me.
Has anyone ever wrote a song/love letter to you?Love letters – maybe . Along time ago.
Do you want to get married?Not really bothered. I’d like a full time person to be important to.
Are you a shy person?Sometimes
Did you have a good day today?Dunno. It’s still early. So far I’ve nearly overlaid, bus terminated early, just after I realised I had my top on inside out and then it’s a work day so that signs are there for badness. Mostly I’m mentally reorganising my bedroom.
Where did you just get back from?the loo?If you could change anything what would it be?I would do more, generally.
I wouldn’t have let go of my fine exercise practices because coming back is so hard.
Would you ever go back to any of your past relationship?Those ships have sailed.Who's the closest person/people to you?Hard to say
What's the thing you love most about the person you love?That they haven’t give up yet.
If someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say?Independent wealth. It wouldn’t resolve anything but it would make the day to day much easier
When and where was your default taken?In a bar in Germany. Giessen Vier Rule.
Are you wearing anything that doesn't belong to you?This is me ma’s t shirt. I had it on inside out earlier. Welcome to MondayWhat are you wearing?Boots, socks, brown stripey trousers, red posh t shirt, Tag watch, bad hair, cool wooden braceletWhat's on your wrist right now?Tag, braceletHave you ever stayed up all night on the phone?Yes and he was paying, ha haAre you afraid to grow up?This is as growed as it getsWho do you tend to have the most fun with?Friends and familyWhat are you listening to?People in the office whineAre you looking forward to anything?5.30 baby. Bring it on
Do you open up to people easily?Nope
Ever kissed someone who was in a relationship?Yep
Who was the last person you had a serious talk with?I’m trying not to have any of those
Do you like where you live?Yep but we’ve got a rent issue
Where did you last take a picture?Canon Bridge Roof Garden
Who will you be sleeping with tonight?Me myself and I, assuming the next bed move is a successHave you ever dated someone longer than a year?Yes but it was a LONG time agoLast car you were in belonged to the opposite sex?nope it was mine
How would you describe your love life last August?As ever, nothing to write home aboutWhat is your favourite board game?I don’t really like board games. In any way whatsover.What are you doing tomorrow?work, boxing, sleep
Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with N?probably. It’s not like I list them, like we did in school.Are you currently worried about anyone or anything?Many many things. Some deadly serious, others total junk.
What's bothering you right now?I can’t get no sleep
Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?ha ha ha ha I plead the fifth
Do you think anyone's thinking about you right now?I would say probably not.
Not exclusively.
I was just thinking to myself that I would like to be the most important thing to someone.
Some hope.
Do you hate your ex?I don’t have an ex. I find all that a bit weird. It implies an ongoing relationship of a particular nature.
I have a couple of old mates that I went out with in the dark ages. And a couple of blokes that I once went out with and
Last person you called?The office to say I’d be 5 mins late
What are you planning on doing after this?drinking a cup of tea

I am

2009-07-13T23:53:00.001+01:00

so desperate to get out of my current situation or be able to influence it in any way that a huge lottery win does seem like the only answer and I feel (probably in a pathological i-hear-voices kind of way) like it might really happen.
Which is bonkers.
And the pink bits of paper agree with the bonkers.

Not even a TENNER.

Although it could just be that i'm already having my luck and I'm just to dumb to realise

SFW or A Grief Observed in the Noughties

2009-07-13T21:30:00.002+01:00

There's a few things on my mind tonight, not least my landlord and the apparent rent increase that's coming my way. Colour me totally unkeen and rather brassed off.

I went for a short run earlier. That was good, only because I don't do it often enough, I feel heavy legged, like I ran for ages. But still. From little acorns eh?

And finally, I'm going write about my pre-grief and grief with some running stuff mixed in a quite a lot of music i shouldn't wonder, in an update of CS Lewis' A Grief Observed sort of thing (I imagine, never having read the original but having ordered it online today).
THis will be a release, get me into the solid practice of creation and hopefully be a useful sieve.

And I was going boxing tomorrow but now I'm going down the boozer with my old housemate and going boxing on Thursday instead. Yipee. I can't wait.
By Thursday, I totally guarantee i will want to hit something multiple times, very HARD indeed.

Peace out folks
x

The heart wants what it wants

2009-07-08T20:40:00.004+01:00

Like this for instance.

And one or two other red headed freckley guys. But NOT all of them.

And this dude, and his Biffy co-horts, who have got me through some times this year and probably have more work to do yet.

oo new single tonight on Zane Lowe show boys. Exciting

But the other thing that i'd like is another language.

Yes, I'm finally so perverse that the problems of effectively communicating with a man in my own language are insufficient. I'd like to do it all in a different one please.

i'd like to grasp for words and hide my point under mispronunciation.

And I'd like to marvel at olive-y skin, being that i'm so pasty white.

Shallow, isn't it.

Ah well.

While I'm being shallow, here's Jensen.

He's American so it's almost a different language.

And Texan so he'll look excellent in jeans

Maybe he speaks Spanish....

Because you're mine

2009-07-07T22:23:00.002+01:00

I walk the line

wait a minute

what was I thinking?

I don't walk no line....

25 songs....

2009-07-07T22:07:00.002+01:00

the top 25 songs you cannot live without.
The ones you can listen over and over and never get tired of.
They don't have to be in any particular order.

1. Monkey Wrench - Foo Fighters
2. The Gentle Art of Making Enemies - Faith No More
3. Killing in the Name of - Rage Against the Machine
4. Been Caught Stealin' - Jane's Addiction
5. Touch me I'm Sick - Mudhoney
6. Repeat - Manic Street Preachers
7. Why'd Ya Come in Here Looking Like That? - Dolly Parton
8. Sad Eyes - Bruce Springsteen
9. Both Hands - Ani di Franco
10. Closer to Fine - Indigo Girls
11. How Do you Keep love alive - Ryan Adams
12. Four Kicks - Kings of Leon
13. Laid - James
14. Debaser - Pixies
15. Walk the Line - Johnny Cash
16. Molly's Lips - The Vaselines
17. Time after Time - Cyndi Lauper
18. Cherish - Madonna
19. Bullet with Butterfly Wings - Smashing Pumpkins
20. Son of a Preacher Man - Dusty Springfield
21. Flickering Light - Christy Moore
22. Oh Very Young - Cat Stevens
23. Moving on Up - Primal Scream
24. One Way - Levellers
25. America - Razorlight

Don't be a stranger to yourself

2009-07-06T21:46:00.002+01:00

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Have you missed me?
I've been a bit of a grumpypotamus so i didn't sign in
And I've been reading other folk, so I didn't sign in
And i've been blogging specifically for someone else, to their subject, so I didn't sign in.

But i'm back now

I've also just finished reading the Return by Victoria Hislop so I'd like to to learn to flamenco now and also I now know that my knowledge of events in Europe during the 20th century is totally pants. I knew there was a civil war in Spain but not really any of the ins and outs and even now I've barely scratched the service. Weirdly, I also bought Guernica a couple of weeks ago.
I must check and see if the white cube gallery here still has the tapestry on view.

Peace out folks
x

ah life

2009-06-11T22:55:00.000+01:00

...make them twitch around their eyes
make them apologize...

Wouldn't it be nice if it were that easy?

Gentlemen who advance denim's cause - let's list a few. Just for FUN

2009-06-02T22:24:00.003+01:00

As I sit half watching CSI Miami, my eye alights on John Schneider. Thus I was inspired to bring you a few men who have advanced denim's cause.

So let's start with Beau Duke.
When that good old boy swang his rather fine ass through the window of the General Lee, it wasn't just welded up front doors that were on this girl's mind.
He defined lovely before I knew what it was.

Even with Farrah hair.

One day, young ladies, you will be watching trash TV and discover that Clark Kent's DAD is the object of your daydreams.
STILL GOT IT.

Tommy used to work on the docks, you know
Jon once popped through the floor of the auditorium in jeans so tight he must have been sown into them seconds earlier. He then flew and there were fireworks. I was 12.
Frankly I've never looked back.
And once again, Jon's allure is growing with age.

J names continued:

Jensen must sleep in Tupaware as he doesn't seem to have aged a day since I first clapped eyes on him.

I am v. partial to the Dean Winchester version.

Although the real life version gives good quotations:

'Being from Texas, I favour jeans and boots'.

I may have to RELOCATE to Texas post-haste. Bring on the jeans and boots please.

And may I just say

Thelma and Louise knew what they were doing, even if he was a little light fingered.

Also Brad:

I like your wife

(Ms Jolie isn't a film quotation)

Time

2009-05-27T22:25:00.003+01:00

is the leveller I suppose.
In time, everything will assume it's proper proportions.

there isn't any vengeance to be had. No righteous anger.
Just this wacky I can't breathe feeling.
this invisible elephant sitting on my chest.
Perhaps it's actually the burlesque girl from the other week, going the whole hog and standing on me.
which goes so nicely with an absence of words from people I thought would dig something out.

That said, my cup still runneth over.

Bullet with Butterfly Wings - Pumpkins

2009-05-27T20:43:00.001+01:00

Despite all my rage
Im still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say
what is lost can never be saved

Despite all my rage
Im still just a rat in a cage
And I still believe that I cannot be saved

Praise be for the guitars that get me through the day

The world is a vampire, sent to drain...

2009-05-27T19:58:00.010+01:00

This was going to be a post about how I rediscovered my fondness for the Smashing Pumpkins, noiseniks that they are through the song Bullet with Butterfly Wings but now it's going to be a quick trawl through some of my bestest vampires!

I'm sure you'll know them all well.

So

A is (the most obvious choice ever) ANGEL

He's an oldy but a goody with the whole 'one moment of true evil and his soul flies out the window' dichotomy. I would have liked Angelus more if we'd seen more of extreme nastiness, like with Willow's fish. Anyone who wasn't a mad Buffy afficianardo is now bleeding from the eyes, not a puncture wound, so I'll continue.

B is Blade, bien sur. The Day Walker.

Although I did like some of the bad guys in the series, I'm sticking with Wesley

coz some motherf**ckers always trying to ice skate up hill

Both of our candidates above have bent the rules of the vampirism more than exceedingly.

Dracula is so the man.

I liked him in Gary Oldman guise because he cried oceans of tears for Mina.

But really I love vampires because of a lot of family holidays in Whitby, scurrying around the abbey and walking down the steps from the car pack, which were lined with metal. It rained alot and the rusty water became 'Blood, dripping down the steps' from the grave yard. Ah children, they're very blood thirsty beasts, ya know.

I have to sneak Deacon Frost in there too. Because Steven Dorff is a pocket rocket of mine of old and he makes a white shirt look wicked smart in Blade. He's also got the right blend of cocksure and idiot. Shame he proves so easy to kill really

This is Edward Cullen. He's not my idea of Edward Cullen but there is something quite nice about him.

When I first heard that Cedric Diggory from Harry Potter had been cast as the century old 17 year old vamp from Twighlight, I was most unhappy.

But the posters grew on me.

That said I'm a bit weird about Edward and Bella and I've not read past book 2 in case she goes off with the werewolf (SHHHHH don't tell me, I don't want to know for sure!)

The Hunger - move over boys, there's nothing quite like a good old lady vamp and Deneuvre is hard to beat.

I too would sink my teeth into Susan Sarandon given half a chance, not to mention David Bowie.

This was a defining one for my poor teenage heart:

'You're a creature of the night Michael'

The Lost Boys, the open chords twang twang twang twang... people are strange

and a wee peak at the Boys themselves, like a ketchup covered Motley Crue on a slow nite

Back to the small screen.

Let not the fact that the series Moonlight is patchy deter you from a litte Mick St John appreciation of an evening ladies. It's very anodine, til he fangs up.

And to close, it's Spike. you could open letters with his cheek bones

'You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love 'til it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other 'til it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Real love isn't brains, children. It's blood. It's blood screaming inside you to work its will.'

And here's Kate. She's Van Helsing-ed and Underworld-ed and makes many a person want to reach for the polish.

So folks, who would you bite? Eternity is a long time....

The lay out on this keeps going la la and spanning them across the page. Sorry

I'd like to thank my underwear

2009-05-27T19:39:00.002+01:00

for all the support it's given me....

But seriously, I think i'm getting one of these shiny gold ones.

Because I'm going off my rocker here and no one seems to have noticed, which must mean that I'm the best actress ever in the history of the world.

Move OVER Winslett, HerMaj is coming (and has better nipples too, naturally).

My much discussed father is on the fade. I'd like to rage against the dying of the light but I can't quite bring myself to consider it in any greater depth than I have so far because it makes my whole body hurt. Let's not even touch on how my psyche screams.

Dogs on Russian space stations must be able to hear it.

If there is someone out there, they will hear my rising distress and steer well clear of this entire planet.

I don't know what to do.

I suppose I'm supposed to brave and strong, after all, I'm the one of us to survive.

But really i'd quite like to smash things and be held by stable strong arms while I rant and rave and be pampered and spoiled and then wake up and find I just dreamed it all anyway.

Fortunately for me, you could walk around my office trailing a bloody limb and make no impact so my disintegration is unnoticed .

When I passed comment on Dad collapsing earlier today, my boss reached passed me for a tea spoon and went back into his office.

Such support. Really. Thank you. Your kind words help me make it through the day. NO, not you, dear reader.

And so I got on with what I was doing, inspite of the elephant sat on my chest and the sombrero headache wedged above my eyebrows.

I realise coping is what we're supposed to do. We're designed to do it.

But I'd rather go first. (please note, i'm not suicidal, this is just a statement of fact)

It's the ultimate in having the last word on the subject.

I must just take a moment before I blog splat to say

2009-05-27T19:32:00.000+01:00

Come on BARCELONA!

As you can see, I'm the most patriotic person ever.

Awesome things that happened to me since Friday lunchtime

2009-05-17T23:58:00.002+01:00

1. My train ticket turned out to be for first class
2. The train served Cusquena beer - Peru's lager!
3. Free sandwich, tea, fruit and muffin on said train
4. Lift from Nanny Moo so immediate basking in her company
5. Graham Coxon played a tiny venue where the whole audience 'got' him and the atmosphere was great.
6. He also wore fabulous shoes to do it, played amazingly, had charming banter and a nice blue stripey jumper.
7. Giessen Vier gathering. Always quality. Highlight: On Saturday, a redheaded burlesque lovely sang a song to me at a show and gave me a sailor hat. Her blond compadre then leapt onto my lap and stood on me, gyrating. Also, karaoke to Head Like a Hole by Nine Inch Nails and Enter Sandman by Metallica. Amazing photos of Nanny Moo being MArilyn Mansun singing Beautiful People too. You may have had to be there though.
8. I woke up on Sunday without at hangover AND with minimal endo pain.
9. My housemate cooked my tea while I lay in state watching Battlestar Galactica Season 4.

Too blooming marvellous.

Proper Proust answers

2009-05-17T23:48:00.002+01:00

1. Where would you most like to live?
I really like living in London.
I would quite like to give Peru a go though.
I am also partial to (in no particular order) Vancouver, Seattle, Paris, Barcelona.

2. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Watching my dad gradually suffocate, being powerless to do anything about it.
And then, in more general terms, being cold and having wet feet.

3. Who are your favorite writers?
Chuck Palanuik, Douglas Coupland, Barbara Kingsolver, Will Self, JD Robb, Nora Roberts

4. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Erm, I don’t really.Flippancy dictates that I come up with a side splitting answer but I don’t have one.

5. What is your most treasured possession?
My mates and my fabulous family. Other than that, I have a Tag Hauer watch that I got in Grand Cayman as a teen, a Cusco flag ring that’s my current jewellery best friend and some guitars that I never play. Nice.

6. What are your favorite names?
I like Apollo and Wolf. Isaac and Mackenzie. Mieke. Kara.

7. What is one selfish thing you would like to do before you die?
Have a baby. But shhh don't tell.
Because it is also possible that the answer to this question is :
remain single and childless.

14.Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
‘No worries’. Seriously, I must have said it a million times over the last three days to everyone I saw. I also overuse the f word. I know. you're all terribly shocked.

15.What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Music, art and literature.
I'm a prodigous, voracious reader, music is a passion and certain art really moves me.

16. When and where were you happiest?
I try to work it in wherever possible. I’m generally pretty content, barring some ranting.
I confess that I sometimes find it easier to be happier in abstract. IE, I was happy on the Inca Trail, but I'm happier looking back on bits of the experience (in particular Day 2, HerImperialMajesty's ascent in the neverending Inca staircase of Mordor).
That said, I'm happy when I'm travelling as I love hanging out places and having an explore, with some food. Nosing about.

17.Which talent would you most like to have?
I would like to be able to play the guitar. So I think maybe instead of dreaming about it and reading about it and messing about kind of giving it a try, I should perhaps get off my oversized bottom and get on with it now.

18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I would maintain my motivation better in the face of adversity. (a knock on effect of this skill would be a diminishment of the aforementioned bottom.)

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Friends that I’ve have for years.

20.If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
I’d like to be an esteemed cat. Or a humming bird on the Inca Trail please. Or a llama. They're so funky, with their earrings.

7. What is your current state of mind?
I’m a good bone weary after a hectic weekend. I’m a little let down to find out it’s Sunday night and I have to go to work in a few short hours. I’m pleased to recall that it’s Chelsea Flower Show this week and that I’m working there 2 days, which will be splendid and also that it’s Bank Holiday on the weekend, so I get an extra day in God’s County, Nottinghamshire, over the weekend.

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Everything in moderation. Especially moderation.
People who bang on about their virtues generally aren’t as virtuous as they’d like.

9. On what occasion do you lie?
On most occasions, but only to myself and I don’t believe me much. I'm not good a lying to save people's feelings, as that often involves permitting them to look in some way like a nitwit and that's not a situation I'd like anyone to put me in.

10. What do you most dislike about your appearance?
My bottom is too big. And I’ve got a saggy tum at present, which is new and NOT to become a permanent feature. Thus I just rejoined the gym and will go and get the card and stuff sorted for tomorrow.
I can make any outfit look like I wore it to be in about 5 minutes, merely by putting it on.

11. Which living person do you most despise?
I’m just not a hater. There are things and behaviours that baffle me but no.
I do however despise olives.

12. What is the quality you most like in a man?
Intellect and humour. Naughtiness. Good arms. The bits. Nice ears.
NO white sports socks.

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Wit and humour. See. I’m pretty even handed. I’d like lots of clever funny folk around me please.

Can all folk be kind please? And 'proper'.

. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
I’m not sure that is a practical concept. With the sweet, so comes the sour, or life would turn into a flat line, surely.

2. What is your greatest fear?
I can’t have children - I can have children -- I will have children and they will bore me rigid.
Watching my dad die - or worse, not being there for some reason when the end finally arrives.
Ranked equally with the death of my mother.
Because then I really will be the last dragon and there will be no one to be proud of me or worry about me or give a little telling off.

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Sloth. Giving up if excellence isn’t immediate.

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Weakness.
The inability to spell definitely correctly.

5. Which living person do you most admire?
Real people that I actually know for the most part.

6. What is your greatest extravagance?
Coffee. CDs, Gigs.
Actually, gigs should definitely be the winner there. If we added up the cost of every band I’ve seen and t shirt I’ve bought and festival I’ve gone to since my first one at age 12, I could probably buy me a house in central london with a garden.
But I wouldn’t be interesting or diverse enough to want one without that ongoing exposure, so there!

Please note, i'm not responsible for the random numbering, I lifted it off the Women's Colony.

Peace out people, be good to yourselves because Monday cometh!

2009-05-13T20:23:00.002+01:00

7. What is your current state of mind?
I have a headache. I question the value/worth of most of what i pass my time doing. I am excited by the impending Morroco trip, i am pleased to find people thinking of me.

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

9. On what occasion do you lie?
Pretty much all occasions. I've been lying to myself about my dad's chances of longevity for so long that reality is not a pleasant thing.

10. What do you most dislike about your appearance?
The aforementioned wobbly bottom

11. Which living person do you most despise?
Nope, I'm not down with that.
We make our own choices and we pay our own prices.

12. What is the quality you most like in a man?
Good arms

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Wit

From the Women's Colony - Proust

2009-05-13T20:19:00.002+01:00

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
I don't know if I have one. Being in a place belly laughing with good friends, secure in the knowledge that all your people are doing the same thing, in full health.

2. What is your greatest fear?
The unknowable - what happens when my dad dies, will i get over it, can i have kids, do i want kids, how come no one is in love with me, is there enough money, etc etc etc

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Weakness of any kind. My inability to keep promises to myself. My wobbly bottom.

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
The inability to spell definite; rudeness, medocrity

5. Which living person do you most admire?
People I know. Who are dealing with life in the best way they know how.

6. What is your greatest extravagance?
The space that coffee breaks bring me.

track changes

2009-05-04T14:49:00.000+01:00

is driving me crazy.
i understand that it's a handy little feature but it's almost enough to make me wish I was writing these essays up long hand.

And with that mini procrastination shared, I'd better get back to it, coz the clock is more than ticking

It is in your nature to destroy yourselves

2009-05-01T14:30:00.004+01:00

The Terminator had it so right with that one.

One of my loveliest friends, a bright shining star, a clever articulate wonder, a snappy dresser, likes to dance, loves music, is proper fully paid up gorgeous and immaculate of hair, remembers birthdays and is like a breath of fresh spring air to all comers, just got cheated on by his boyf.
Who professes to love him madly. With one of their mutual friends. Who also professes to love him dearly.

There is no amount of beer that lets you off the hook for that type of thing.

I've never been drunk enough to follow my metaphorical willy to the next thing. It's a choice thing.

you look at what you've got and you say hmm. What about this other thing.
Am I feeling the opportunity cost or am I just going for it?

Do you think more people would cheat if they could be sure of getting away with it?

Because it's the being found out/repercussion bit that is the downside, isn't it?

Fortunately for mi amigo, he knows that not being with him anymore will be punishment enough.

But as Joni Mitchell said,
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got til it's gone?
They paved paradise and they put up a parking lot.

89 million

2009-04-30T20:59:00.001+01:00

is one heck of a jackpot, no?
Gotta be worth a shot

It's v nice

2009-04-29T21:09:00.001+01:00

reading all the Nun puns on the Nun Run sponsorship page

Oh and incidentally, can we call the ba-by Elvis?

2009-04-29T19:24:00.002+01:00

Baby Elvis sponsored me to run - how internet savvy is that...

how do you solve a problem like Maria?

2009-04-29T19:14:00.003+01:00

have you ever felt your calling?

No, me either. But come Sunday, it'll be Sister Imperial Majesty, all the way.

Well, all the way to the 4 mile finish at least.

(nb I am available for communal wine (whine?) and (ice cream) wafers after)

I haven't even put my habit on yet and already I've been doing good works in the community, scooping up an injured cyclist and working with another traveller to get her and her bike in a taxi and home.

Frankly, I've done insufficient training, even for 4 miles. But the weight of the sponsor money will spur me on.

As will the knowledge that if I ever fell off my bike at a busy junction, ordinary folk would dash out and help make it all right.

Peace out people, and be good to one another

NB

2009-04-27T22:05:00.002+01:00

still NOT my baby

and bizarrely, i'm not sure my naming advice is being solicited. Can't imagine why....

can we call the ba-by

2009-04-27T22:03:00.004+01:00

Hector?

it's a sturdy noble name....

not for a girl obviously.

when destiny doesn't knock

2009-04-27T22:03:00.002+01:00

the ballot site for the London Marathon has been down most of the day.
is this kismet's way of telling me that i'm not up to it?

and just so we're clear

2009-04-27T22:01:00.002+01:00

I am the walrus

Dancing in the dark?

2009-04-27T21:57:00.001+01:00

Come on Eileen, I swear (well he means)
At this moment you mean everything,
With you in that dress my thoughts
I confess verge on dirty
Ah come on Eileen.

First boy dance.
I would name the boy here but will hold off, lest I embarass him horribly and reveal myself utterly

Suffice it to say that Dexy's Midnight Runners make me laugh

So don't hate me but

2009-04-26T22:25:00.002+01:00

i stayed in bed today until a little before 2pm.
There was intense gravity in my region. Someone definitely monkeyed with the fields in the vacinity of my bed.
I wasn't asleep.... all the time.
I also re-read Jilly Cooper's Polo.
It made me day dream about Argentina, which is quite an achievement when you've never been.

But I used to ride when I was younger so I could envision fine horse flesh pounding through the pampas and thinking of toned golden latino thighs encased in jodphur is never a hard ship for me.

In fact I might go and google some polo right now.

I felt weird all day.
Out of sort.
Exhausted.

And i'm not hungry at the moment.
Like, ever. Suddenly I have a one hour window a day for actually being hungry.
WEird.
ANyway, piece out folks

BTW

2009-04-24T15:02:00.002+01:00

not my baby, though.

In case there was any confusion about it.

Evidently, if there are any babies in my tummy, I will be deciding on their names.
Wholly and entirely.

Like a little naming dictator.

And, a Spanish thought for the day:

Las buenos amigos estan contigo en las duras y las maduras

Can we call the ba-by Rover?

2009-04-24T15:01:00.001+01:00

This isn't actually the suggestion I've made.

I'm pushing for Frodo.

Again.

I did not

2009-04-21T22:00:00.002+01:00

I did not win the lottery at the weekend

hey ho.

here on earth though I did get a silk dress, purple fact fans, for 20 quid
BARGAIN :o)

From The Women's Colony Readers Questions

2009-04-18T22:47:00.003+01:00

Who would play you in Outofmytinymind the Movie?

Billie Piper (see earlier blog entries)

or Liza Tarbuck (she's splendid, particularly on the radio. You can hear her smiling)

For those unaware of her, she one hot momma, with an opinion. She's also a brunette. It's all good.

When was your birthday?

I have to BRAG!

I turned 34 in a club in Cusco, Peru on 13th October. It was hilarious.

There was lots of dancing and WAY too many 'l'et me buy you a drink's and just about enough admiring 'CHICA!'s

Are you originally from The Big Smoke, London UK?
Nope. I'm a coal miner's daughter from a mining village in North Nottinghamshire. It's in Sherwood Forest.

I came to the Smoke about 10.5 years ago, via Leeds in North Yorkshire, Lille in Northern France and Giessen in Germany.

I've hopped about all over the metropolis and am a proper north london bird, living in a borough rated as the 9th worst place in the UK to live. Lovely.

Can you tell us about the scariest moment you've experienced, and what you learned from that?

The scariest moment I've had was when our neighbour woke us up one morning at 4.30am because her husband was ill and me and my dad were trying to rescuitate him.

Ressussie Annie doll doesn't make the noises that a person does. She has no ribs that crunch and no death rattle. My dad sent me to look for the ambulance. I will always be grateful.

And sad that despite our efforts, he had left this mortal coil.

Learn what to do people and pray your time never comes.

Following hot on its heels is the fact that one of these days i'm going to say goodbye to my dad like i might never see him again, and its going to be true.

boxers or briefs?
It depends who's wearing 'em.

When you do manage to put on a pair of underwear, what color are they?

I'm not a commando kind of girl. Hence, I could probably provide underwear to the whole colony. Really. OF all kinds. For dates, for slobbing, for problem dresses, for secure time of the month moments.

Most of my underwear is black and has been since i was old enough to express a preference.

It means I can wash it all together. This is a bit of a theme throughout my capsule wardrobe.

I do have some cool patterns, spots, lace, silk.

What is the one thing absolutely guaranteed to make you laugh until you cry?

Mrs G's post about appearing knickers made me howl.

But mostly its my amazing friends and their total randomness.

WE were reduced to hysterical laughter the other day by a very unlikely shaped pudding at an indian restaurant.

And I was inordinately pleased to find that Picasso painted Kurt Cobain and it was included in the exhibit that's on at the National Gallery at the moment. The curator's are claiming it's called 'The Hippy' but i recognised his 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' top immediately.

Who do you so dislike that if you were stuck on a deserted island with him, you'd swim away and hope for the best?

Goodbye Daniel Craig. I am a great swimmer and will send a helicopter back for you.

BUT seriously,

I've had a great day and no misogynists immediately spring to mind.

I'm wondering what kinds of food do you dream about and obsess about?This varies. This morning I woke up with a yen for crumpets.

My housemate AP (boy) calls them food porn. if i put them in the kitchen unopened, he will scratch at my door til I eat two so he can have the next two.

If somebody wanted to really win you over (i.e. beg you to be their new BFF) what should they bring to your door? And does presentation matter?
I would open the door to find thin crust pizza.

Or carrot cake to rival the birthday cake they got me in Peru. It was amazing.

Do you have any tattoos?

I surely do.

How many?

I currently have 2, but they mirror one another, so they count as one.

Where?

They are at the bottom of my back, like f holes on a violin. Only a different shape.

I think my mum felt me have them done as the next time I was at her house she immediately make me show her, even though I'd never said a peep about them.

I am going to have another done soon. I know what I want and where and what colour, i just have to get off my butt about finding a good tattooist (clean, registered, professional) and getting the cashola together.

If you had to pick a work of literature to get tattooed on you, what would you get?

This one would be tough, as I'm against having words really.

But I would consider having 'I am fortune's fool' on my right forearm, on the fleshy bit.

Or even 'What news from Padua?' on my inner thigh.

Bill Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. Ahh.

Are you planning on writing a book?

I have started planning a book. I'm mildly researching it, as I finish a professional qualification.

This is making me realise what a huge undertaking it might be.

But arrogantly, I will be taking it forward, giving it a shake and seeing what falls out.

I write a lot, but mostly to myself.

I used to write poetry a lot. And that's gradually coming back now. I might also look at doing something with it this summer.

What connects us all?
Sometimes, about some poeple, i feel that blood runs through our veins and that's where our similarities end. This is generally over things that I really can't grasp. Terrible acts.

We're not as good or as bad as we think we are at times. Mostly we're just people doing the best that we can.

And we need to be a little bit nicer to ourselves, to set the tone for everyone else.

Were you funny in elementary school?
I think I was probably a bit eager and easily pushed around (only child, could do it my way at home largely).

I'm pretty easy going but have strong feelings about stuff that most people are easy going, which probably didn't surface until the next level of school.

I am now the funniest girl in Europe, at times. I'm a raconteur in the flesh. it's all grist to my mill.

I would like to know what kind of music you like to rock out to.

I spend a passel of time trying to figure out if i would rather go blind or deaf. because I love music and voices so much. And background noise - waves crashing, the rumble of the bus, a crack of lightening. the noise of my own nails on the key board.

But then imagine never seeing facial expressions or paintings with their bold splashes of colour. No more Cabana boys. Condensation running down the outside of an ice cold coke.

I digress.

Rocking out. My joint favourite past time, with reading.

I love love guitars. There are two, currently v. neglected , guitars in my living room.

Here are 15 albums that are important to me to give you a taster.

1. Primal Scream - Screamadelica - so incredible live, not least how Bobbie Gillespie goes from looking like someone you'd give 50p to for a cuppa to absolute godhead seconds after hitting the stage. That night me and Lisa had taxi issues in Sheffield when we went to see them. THat night Lesley and I had swimming issues in Shepherds Bush coz the crowd totally kicked off. I could go on.

2. Levellers - Weapon Called the Word - the beginning of some cool times with some great people. Music with a message.

3. Biffy Clyro - Puzzle - Written after the death of Simon's mother. Say no more.

4. Ryan Adams - Demolition - here's a message from your lonely Friday. David Ryan Adams is important to me musically and also through his sometime blogging. He is honest and brash and a pain. And he married Mandy Moore and they look happy. Nice.

5. Josh Ritter - The Animal Years - first End of the Road festival, 'nuff said. He's very clever and humble and cheeky too.

6. Rival Schools - United By Fate - 'this is the switch, play innocent, we're innocent'

7. Graham Coxon - The Golden D - Jamie Thomas, Jamie Thomas, Jamie Thomas, Jamie Thomas. Frankly one of the greatest guitarists of the generation. And easily the one with the silliest voice. He's my all time favourite imaginary boyfriend.

8. Rent - Original Broadway Cast - sing it girl

9. The Darkness - Permission to Land - T in the Park and the flip flop march. Nice work, falsetto

10. Pixies - Doolittle

11. Mega City Four - Terribly Sorry Bob - makes me think of Sheffield Leadmill, homemade pizzas and Tom Wise

12. Wonderstuff - Hup - singing in the yard and the excellent line 'if you're going to let me down my friend, then kick me to the floor, don't let me down gently'.

13. Queens of the Stone AGe - Rated R - I got monsters, in me parasol like, innit

14. Foo Fighters- The Color and the Shape - too many reasons to number, not least of which Mr Dave Grohl. The nicest and busiest man in rock?

15. The White Stripes - Get Behind Me Satan - Mr. Jack. White. He is a phenomenon.

If you could only have one motto or saying, which one would it be and why?

'Strangers are exciting

Their mystery never ends

But there's nothing like looking at your own history

In the faces of your friends'

(Ani di Franco)

And if not that, what my Grandma, Hilda Patricia, once told me:

Try everything once, within in reason. Then you can do the bits you like a lot.

Thank you Houston and Good night....

Her Imperial Majesty has left the building.

Ladies, I have something for you....

2009-04-16T23:22:00.004+01:00

I give you Derek Connor.

Freedom fighter,

uncle,

HUNK.

He is going slightly grey. Or else they've dyed his hair.

What care I for dye when there is such a stone fox?

But what I want to know is, how did David Silver from Beverly Hills 90210 turn into this ma'honey?

Seriously.

When I googled him, bad surgery posts came up. I decided to not explore that, lest he be diminished in my eyes.

And while i'm on the Sarah Connor Chronicles, which is where Derek appears, dear non-sci-fi loving readers, can I just say that Lena Hedley is a secret girlfriend.

After all, she was Queen of Sparta

And I appear to have had my hair cut in the Sarah Connor style! (Sadly, it isn't quite so striking with my double chins)

I have sent 4 of my 6 drafts now!

2009-04-16T23:20:00.002+01:00

HURRAH
I have one to check and send tomorrow morning and one to finish and send on Saturday morning.

Then I just have to wait for the amends and feedback on the countdown to submission.

Holy guacamole.
It could soon be over.

I could soon be writing here about life drawing and photography and health and fitness.

Rather than the usual babble.

yipee

Not building, singing

2009-04-16T19:47:00.002+01:00

Thank you to Mr Cat Stevens.

Well, if you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free'
Cause there's a million things to be
You know that there are

And if you want to live high, live high
And if you want to live low, live low'
Cause there's a million ways to go
You know that there are

You can do what you want
The opportunity's on
And if you can find a new way
You can do it today
You can make it all true
And you can make it undo
you see ah ah ah
its easy ah ah ah
You only need to know

Well if you want to say yes, say yes
And if you want to say no, say no'
Cause there's a million ways to go
You know that there are

And if you want to be me, be me
And if you want to be you, be you
'Cause there's a million things to do
You know that there are

Well, if you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
Cause there's a million things to be
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are

Bridge building 101

2009-04-15T19:40:00.004+01:00

So, apparently, it's time for me to build a bridge

With the clique at work.

Taking them one by one.

How lovely.
It's like school again where someone tells you its great to stand up to bullies but you know it's just a series of black eyes and more of the same in the making.

So what I really have to do is learn to be a better actress.

Oh and grow the skin of a rhinoceros, so that all this 'constructive' criticism won't make such an impression.

Yes. I take things personally. I am, after all, a person. And you are, after all, sticking the boot in.

AS the Ferengi say

The Wider the Smile, the Longer the Knife.

I'm trying to rise above it, like Elpheba. But I spy pitchforks and torches in the distance.

I'm just not sure why.

old mates

2009-04-07T22:09:00.001+01:00

they're great

they remind you of good times

They remind you that there are still good people out there

They remind you it's ok to care about people and to have them care about you.

Here's to the simple stuff.
Waves crashing on the beach, your old mate finding the perfect place to get married, in sight of the sea.

simple amazing things

Peace out for that

Because some people really do get what they deserve and it's Good Stuff.

no sobbing

2009-04-07T21:45:00.003+01:00

just a steady river
droplets that collect in that funny dip under your nose
streaks that stretch from the corner of your eyes
right down to meet under your chin so they can drip

crying silently is an art.
you perfect it if you cry at movies.

Or if perhaps you view crying as a sign of weakness and patheticness, UNLESS you are joining in with someone. (YES as Dolly Parton said in Steel Magnolias 'no one cries alone in my presence'.)

I have felt, for some time, that i might feel better if i cried

I have however curtailed such activity as i know that when i start to cry on that front, it will not be a gentle rain, a sudden scattered shower, but rather a deluge.
A torrent.
Such a storm as withdraws hurricane names from use.
And the worst of it is that at some point I would have to stop.

So instead, I cried at the final episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.

Farewell my sweet Ferengis.
My wrinkly nosed Bajorans
My pasty foreheaded Klingons

Au revoir Captain Sisco

Another great ensemble piece with a strong cast with good friendships.
And that's all any of us can hope for really

Conneries (and I don't mean little off spring of Sean)

2009-04-06T22:11:00.004+01:00

Rather in the french sense

of extreme gross stupidity.

say

playing cards with your i pod when you've got work to do

Or then being inordinately pleased to find that there's a second series of the marvellous French police drame Spiral (Engrenages) and praying that BBC Four put it on. They're re showing the first series.

And I'm not watching it because I'm blogging about it.

The first series was excellent. I love listening to French. That's what frustrates me about the Spanish listening stuff I've downloaded to me i pod. Every 30 seconds it goes back into English. I'd rather have 5 minutes of Spanish and then some English.

LoMas Tv is probably the way forwards for me.

But I digress.

Gregory Fitoussi.

That's all i'm saying

you can keep the cast of Mad Men, just give him to me!

He looks tres francais ici, non? Even in a Yorkshire flat cap.

one day

2009-04-05T23:01:00.000+01:00

Now I’ve got schemes
And you’ve got schemes

Let’s get together and dream some dreams

Let’s go

Time’s a wastin’

(June Carter)

2009-04-05T21:07:00.004+01:00

The Searchers was on.

it's my all time favourite film.

It reminded me how much I'd love to go to Monument Valley.

Then Top Gear made me want to go to Vietnam.

Only I think I'd have to take a ton of Tracker bars, or cereal as it would move me out of my comfort zone, food wise.

It all made me want to go go
Get out of here
Away way
They don't want me here

(to paraphrase the Levellers inaccurately)